Stupid Cupid
by Sakura's Unicorn
Summary: It was an innocent swim. She didn't expect it to lead to that. Sasuke crept closer to the lake, anticipating an enemy. Instead, it was Sakura-naked in the moonlight. An ordinary escort mission couldn't have gone more right. Co-authored by Kaze and Kiba. Post-canon SasuSaku. One-shot.


So…when Kaze and Kiba invited me to write a Valentine's Day one-shot with her, I just about fell off my chair. Who wouldn't, right? Anyway, here is our love child. Read, enjoy, review. And K&K, now that we've edited together and written together, do you think we might, one day, play Call of Duty together? Hee, hee. Thanks for being such a good friend!

Happy Valentine's Day everyone!

* * *

The shimmering lake looked deep and inviting. After running hard through most of the day in the blistering heat of the Suna desert, Sakura's mouth fairly watered at the thought of jumping into the icy cold depths. Sasuke, it seemed, had the same idea as she saw him drifting from the path toward the glistening shore.

Not that he would _say_ he wanted to swim—he'd barely said more than two words to her the whole day. "Let's go," and "hurry up" and "this way" were apparently the limits of his conversational ability.

The trip _to_ Suna had been much easier. Their mission had been simple—an escort mission, in fact. Only this time, instead of accompanying some fat, oily merchant to his mansion or some simpering daimyo's daughter to her arranged marriage, they were personally escorting the Hokage to Suna—the first leg of his diplomatic tour. They were relieved by Kakashi and Yamato who were guarding Naruto on his two month trip to the various Hidden Villages.

Naruto talked enough for six people, Sakura thought with a smile. Between the two of them chatting away, she hadn't even noticed a single moment of silence from the time they left the village gates to the time they dropped him off at the Kazekage's office. But as soon as they entered the high-walled path leaving Suna, not a word was spoken. She couldn't even see any expressions on Sasuke's face—not that he had many—because it was covered by his porcelain ANBU mask. The only sound she'd heard all day was the wind whipping past her ears and the occasional shriek of a hawk. Frankly, it was oppressive.

For the first few hours, Sakura tried to think of ways to start a conversation casually with Sasuke—but couldn't. What was she going to say? How's the weather? Any good missions lately? Ridiculous. Never mind that just the idea of being alone with Sasuke was making her hands sweat. She needed a break and the lake that suddenly appeared as they crossed the border into River Country was exactly what she was looking for. As they got closer, Sakura dreamed of stripping off her confining armor and plunging into the cool water—until a shocking realization almost stopped her dead in her tracks.

She would have to strip…in front of Sasuke.

"Prude," her mind whispered.

'Just what I need,' she thought derisively.

The only time her Inner voice spoke up was when she was being indecisive. Honestly, that voice had grown rather silent as she became stronger and her confidence grew over the last few years. Leave it to _this_ man to bring back her insecurities. Now that voice was going to nag her all night.

'Screw it,' she thought looking at the setting sun. "We'll make camp here tonight," she told Sasuke.

He answered her by veering further toward the trees surrounding the alluring lakefront. They were of the same rank in ANBU, but she was captain of this mission—even though he would never acknowledge it. He simply acted as if every order was a suggestion that he agreed with.

A glimmer of an idea bloomed in her mind—one that would keep her from a potentially embarrassing situation and they could both enjoy a refreshing dip in the lake undisturbed.

"I'll start dinner. After you get some water, you can go clean up," Sakura ordered, handing him a collapsible pouch to fill. He grunted and left while she picked the perfect spot—a small brush-ringed clearing about five hundred feet from the water. She collected some deadwood and set up a small fire.

When Sasuke came back, he handed her the water and a fat trout. She absently thanked him while releasing a scroll that she kept a few indispensible camping items in. She pulled out a small iron pot and spoons and bowls then put the scroll away. Sasuke was already gone. She knew it rankled him being ordered around by her, but it couldn't be helped—orders were orders.

She quickly sliced and cleaned the fish. She unwrapped one of the onigiri that she'd bought in Suna and sliced it into four compact pieces, laying four nice slices of fresh fish on top of each piece. She took the rest of the fish strips and threw them in the hot iron pot. As soon as they got a nice sizzle, she added the water and spices she kept handy. It was nothing fancy, but for camp fare, the soup would be a tasty treat. She was spooning up the first bowl a while later when Sasuke came back.

They ate in silence. Sitting across the fire from him, Sakura racked her anxious mind to think of something to say, but every time she glanced up, all thoughts left her head. Sasuke's pale, muscled chest gleamed in the soft flicker from the fire. He had come back dressed only in his black, formfitting pants, wet hair still dripping.

Finally, she swallowed thickly and cleared her throat.

"I-"

Dark eyes stared at her, waiting. She forgot what she had been about to say.

"I'm tired," she adlibbed quickly. "You can take first watch."

He nodded and she sighed. She rose and left the fire. It didn't matter how much time had passed, he still made her feel like a silly little girl. Her Inner snickered insensitively in her head.

"Mah, forget it," she groaned, walking through the brush. "I'd never be able to hold a normal conversation with him anyhow. He probably wouldn't even acknowledge my existence if he wasn't my teammate."

Her sober thoughts lightened when she remembered her original plan. The sun had set while they ate dinner and now was the perfect time to implement it.

"_Kage Bunshin no Jutsu_."

Sakura smiled conspiratorially at the perfect clone standing before her. "You go back to camp and go straight to sleep," she told her mirror image. Her clone nodded in understanding and left while Sakura blocked her chakra signature and began to strip off her sweaty clothes. She laid them carefully over the branch and hung her pack to air out as well while she swam.

Sending out tendrils of chakra she sensed that there was no one in the area save her teammate and her bunshin. She peeked around her anyhow, conscious of her nudity before she hurried out to the water.

She growled appreciatively at the cool, refreshing feel of the water on her skin. All signs of fatigue slipped away as she slid smoothly through the water—diving and surfacing playfully to float on the water's top. As she swam the moon rose higher in the sky, painting the water in dark, glittering blue ripples.

Sasuke watched in irritation as his Taichou sighed softly in her sleep. Damn Naruto, giving her the lead position on his idiotic escort mission. He had only done it to put Sasuke in his place. Sakura's skills as an ANBU were certainly impressive, but in terms of power and leadership, Sasuke was miles beyond her in experience. The Dobe was just lording his new position over him.

Not that he cared. As long as the Dobe had his hands full learning how to deal with Hokage business, he was free to do as he liked. Naruto was so busy now, he had very little time to pester Sasuke. Although the Dobe _had_ made an effort to bother him, much to Sasuke's dismay.

Nature called so he checked one last time on Sakura before he left to take a piss. She hadn't moved since collapsing. She must have really been worn out from the trip to Suna. He knew she had many other responsibilities with the hospital and everything, but the Dobe had been adamant that they escort him on the first leg of his tour, so she had dropped everything to cater to him. As usual.

He walked off a ways from the fire to finish his business and an odd sound had him wandering closer to the lake. He could have sworn he heard soft laughter coming from that direction. He activated his Sharingan to better see in the dark.

The moon shimmered on the lake, highlighting the figure of the single woman swimming there. Pale curves flashed above the waterline as she amused herself, diving and resurfacing with a splash like a mythical mermaid. She threw her hair back as her shoulders and breasts broke the surface of the water. It was a captivating sight. Water droplets flew in a backward arc from her lavender locks and her milk-white skin that gleamed in the moonlight.

She laid back, arms stretched to the side, floating and singing softly like a lovely water nymph. He didn't recognize the tune, but the soft lilt of her voice seemed both familiar and comforting. He was almost jealous of the beautiful shape of her body being caressed by the moon's gentle light.

Before long, she dipped back under again and swiftly broke the surface, looking down with a growled curse on her lips. Sasuke watched with curiosity when she sank back under the water.

His curiosity turned to concern when she didn't resurface.

Flash-stepping to the water's edge, Sasuke's Sharingan located the woman—her trained chakra flow told him this was no civilian. Channeling energy to his feet, he ran across the rippling surface to where plumes of bubbles were churning the lake. Using chakra to push off the water as if it were solid, Sasuke sucked in a lungful of air before he plunged into the dark depths. Without his Sharingan, he'd be lost in the murky deep.

Powerful strokes propelled him deeper into the center of the seemingly endless lake. The pressure of the water caused his ears to pop painfully. Following her chakra trail, Sasuke knew he was seconds from reaching her. He kicked hard and flailed his arms around, hoping to make contact with her. Suddenly, his eyes flew open wide—his Sharingan detected a massive build up in her chakra. All he could do was brace for the impact.

Sakura's lungs ached for air—her brain commanding them not to suck in the frigid water as she kicked and punched at whatever was dragging her further and further away from the surface. She was moving too quickly for her body to adjust to the pressure. Sakura knew she had to act _now_. Her vision was beginning to tunnel and she felt lightheaded. Whatever it was that had her in its grip was fast and strong—she'd have to fight strength with strength. She stopped struggling and began to concentrate her chakra to the heel of her foot. When she'd reached a level that was sure to deliver a debilitating blow, she pulled her leg up and, just as her foot contacted her attacker, she released the chakra with pinpoint precision. It worked! She was free! The blast also had the benefit of shooting her toward the surface. It couldn't come quickly enough as her lungs protested their lack of oxygen. A flash of silver caught her eye and Sakura reached out of the forceful current she'd created and grabbed the gleaming object.

It felt like she'd never get there when, finally, she broke the surface, gasping and thrashing. Realizing she was gripping something, she lifted her hands and found a Konoha hitai-ate in her grasp. But not just any Konoha hitai-ate—the blue fabric indicated a genin rank and the scratch across the Leaf symbol meant it belonged to missing-nin.

Or a former missing-nin.

Just this morning in Suna, Sakura had almost walked in on a very touching scene between Naruto and Sasuke—well, it would've been touching if it had been anyone else but those two. Sakura was about to ask Sasuke if he was ready to leave when she stopped and hid behind the door. Naruto had placed one hand on Sasuke's shoulder and the other held out a Leaf headband—Sasuke's Leaf headband.

"I know you've got a new one," Naruto said, his confident gaze never leaving Sasuke's. "But I thought you might like to keep this one, too."

Sasuke grunted and took the headband with a smirk. When their discomfort with their emotions caused them to degenerate this moment into a punching contest, Sakura walked in and broke it up. Although, she didn't miss how Sasuke ran his thumb lovingly across the scratched metal before he tucked it into his kunai pouch.

Realizing that Sasuke might be in trouble caused a flash of panic to rip through her. She released her chakra through the woods, searching for her teammate. When his signature didn't register, she called out in alarm, "SASUKE!" Sakura trembled when only her frightened voice echoed back to her—there was no deep, monosyllabic reply.

Fearing the worst, she flooded her chakra through the water. His fading chakra-response had her diving down before conscious thought told her to. In her head, she chanted, 'Don't die, don't die, don't die,' as she pitched herself back into the deep water. Terror fueled her as she swam faster than she had in her life. When her hand found the fabric of his ANBU uniform, she almost cried out for joy. She wrapped an arm around his chest as she raced back up. As they neared the surface and beams of moonlight cut the darkness, Sakura glanced at Sasuke. She kicked harder, trying not to think about how pale he looked as tiny bubbles leaked from his mouth and his head lolled back.

When she surfaced for the second time, she knew Sasuke needed help fast. She flash-stepped him to the shore and he immediately vomited up gallons of lake water. Ecstatic at any sign of life, Sakura laughed as she cried. Turning him over, she pressed her ear to his lips to feel even the slightest breath. Cold panic began to constrict her throat as she watched for any movement in his chest—when she could no longer see because her vision was blurred with tears, she cursed, swiping her eyes and feeling his neck for a pulse. She felt like he'd been lying so still on the wet sand for hours. Not even the tiniest thump pressed back against her hand and she wailed—the man she loved more than her own life was slipping away and she'd used the last ounce of chakra she had fighting off that thing in the water. He would die and it was her fault. She wanted to rip out her hair and throw herself back into the lake when Kakashi's voice rang in her head, stopping her cold.

"_Those who abandon their teammates are lower than trash…"_

She would never abandon him! With a deep breath, she cleared her head and allowed her medical instincts to take over. Her fingers swiped the inside of his mouth for obstructions and she lifted his neck gently. Sakura pinched his nose and closed her mouth around his, never thinking that _this_ would be how her lips would first meet his. Out of the corner of her eye, she watched his chest rise before she breathed into him again. Lacing her fingers together, she pushed the heel of her hand into the center of his chest and pumped thirty staccato beats—then, two more breaths.

No response.

Running on nothing but adrenaline, Sakura's arms shook with exhaustion as she pumped his chest again. A frightened voice in her head said she might have to continue this for hours and she still might not bring him back. She shook her head, hoping to silence the voice only to hear Naruto's words fill her head.

"_I'll never give up! That's my ninja way!"_

Renewed strength filled her and she straddled his hips for easier leverage as she continued chest compressions, stopping only to listen for a heartbeat and to breathe air into his sluggish lungs.

"Don't die, don't die, don't die. Sasuke, _please_ don't die," she pleaded as hot tears burned her cheeks. When he suddenly coughed into her mouth, she let out an exalted shout. All she could do was grab him and pull him up into a desperate embrace while she sobbed into his neck.

"S-Sakura…you're…heavy."

The weak sound of Sasuke's voice released all the tension that had built up inside of Sakura. The extreme overuse of chakra fighting her subjugator and searching for her teammate combined with the physical exertion of going back down to search for Sasuke in the murky depths had pushed her past her corporeal limits.

"Sasuke-kun, yokatta." Her eyes rolled back into her head and she collapsed on top of him.

Sasuke lay on the bank looking up at the stars, trying to remember how all this happened. His ribs ached and he was sure a couple of them were cracked. Sakura lay unconscious on top of him and her hair was dripping down onto his face. The events of the last few minutes came back to him slowly as he listened to his teammate's hitching breaths even out to normal.

From the far shore, he was unabashedly watching an ethereal female bathe and recreate when she had suddenly gone under and not surfaced.

Sakura.

He remembered the heart-stopping moment of panic when he realized the woman rapidly descending through the deep water was Sakura. He dove in after her, but before he reached her, she had released an enormous burst of chakra so explosive it knocked him unconscious.

When he woke, she was lying on top of him crying. A warm chill reminded him of a clouded memory of the very same girl bent over him on a bridge, crying and begging him to stay with her.

"_Sasuke, please, don't die—don't die."_

With a start he realized that Sakura _was_ the nude woman he was watching play in the water—actually was this _same_ woman lying, still naked, atop him.

"Sakura, wake up."

"Sakura."

It was no use. Whatever she had done, not only to get free from whatever had trapped her, but to get him back to shore and awake had exhausted whatever energy she had. He could only guess as to why she had tried to fool him with a clone while she snuck out to the lake in the first place and it didn't really matter. What mattered now was that he got them both away from whatever beastie lie in the depths of this pond and fast. If it came upon them now, he would be hard pressed to keep her safe and battle said beast at the same time.

With a groan he rose, carrying the unconscious kunoichi with him. She lay sprawled atop him, hair hanging down over her face. He pushed her completely off him and backwards, setting her gently to the ground so he could get up. A wave of weak nausea hit him when he bent to pick her up and he paused to wait for it to pass.

His ears picked up the ominous sound of water sloshing. Sasuke pushed down the sick feeling and quickly bent to slip his arms under Sakura shoulders and knees and pick her up.

The camp was a little way from the shore, but he didn't think it was far enough. If whatever had attacked Sakura could walk on land, they would be sitting ducks resting next to the small fire.

He also had no idea where Sakura left her clothes.

Trying to maintain logical thought while Sakura's warm flesh was pressed against his proved difficult, but another sloshing sound reset his priorities—he needed to get them somewhere safe and then figure out what was after them…and why.

Mulling it over, Sasuke realized that he'd have to take Sakura with him—he couldn't risk leaving her somewhere as he investigated. He had no idea what was out there and if there was more than one. Busted ribs or no, Sakura was…important…to him. He looked down at her dark lashes and the fullness of her parted lips—and shook his head. Focus, he chastised himself. First, he would get back to camp and find something to wrap Sakura in—to keep her warm and keep him sane.

Taking a step, his foot crunched against something hard—not at all like the pliable sand he'd been laying on. Hiking Sakura up higher, he reached under his foot and plucked his old hitai-ate out of the cold loam. So, he thought, this is how she knew he'd gone into the lake after her. Sasuke smiled at her quick thinking and pulled her closer, carefully making his way back to their fire.

He was so near—he could smell the fish soup Sakura had made earlier. He absently licked his lips, remembering the soup's salty goodness. Careful not to even snap a twig, Sasuke crept closer. Hearing a low, rumbling moan coming from their campsite, he froze. Whatever it was hadn't noticed him, so he slipped into the shadow of a tree and kneeled down, peering around the shrubbery to get a better look at what was sniffing around the fire. Gulping, slobbering noises met his ears and Sasuke saw a shadow hovering over the pot of soup. His shinobi skills kicked in as he assessed the distance of the shadow from his current position and the strong tree limb hanging over its head.

Resting Sakura's legs across his bent knee, he fished around in his pouch. Grabbing a kunai and some wire, Sasuke pulled the cable through the hole in his kunai and tied it off with his teeth. Channeling some chakra into the blade, Sasuke activated his Sharingan—he would _not_ miss.

Calculations running through his head, Sasuke cocked his arm back at the elbow and threw. The kunai sailed through the air, wrapping around the branch and snaking around the intruder's feet. When he saw it circle the prowler twice, he pulled hard on the other end of the wire, lifting his prey by the ankles high into the air. The clatter of utensils and harsh curses rang in his ears as Sasuke tied off the wire and ran toward his quarry.

"What the hell? Can't a guy get a meal around here without being accosted?"

Shock resounded through Sasuke as he recognized the voice. _He_ was behind this? Sasuke was ready to kill.

"Naruto!" he bit out through tightly clenched teeth. "Just what the hell do you think you're doing?"

"Heh, heh. Um. Having some soup?" Naruto gulped audibly. "Oh, hey, Sakura-chan. How're you doing?"

"I'll tell you how she's doing, moron. She's unconscious because of your little stunt. That was _you_ in the water?"

"Uh, yeah. I was, you know, just trying to spice things up for you guys."

"_Spice things up_?" Sasuke asked incredulously. "I don't even know what that's supposed to mean! Why would we need to 'spice things up' exactly?"

"And it's because of _that_ obliviousness that you need me!" Naruto said, as if educating a child. "You two are so blind to the fact that you need each other, that you want each other, that you _love_ each other that I knew it would take a little help from _cupid_ to push you in the right direction. I figured you'd come to her rescue and she'd be so grateful that she'd give you that big, wet kiss you've been hoping for." Naruto, still upside-down, folded his arms and grinned. "You can thank me later by naming your first son Uchiha Naruto." His eyes landed on a very exposed Sakura. "Doesn't look like I'll have to wait too long for that!"

Spluttering, Sasuke turned around, shielding Sakura from Naruto's eyes. "If she's hurt, you idiot, I'm going to kill you, Hokage or not." Sasuke kneeled by his pack and rooted around for one of his shirts. Pulling it over Sakura's head and yanking her arms through the holes with some difficulty, he asked "Where the hell is your guard anyway?"

The hiss of a blade cutting through the air drew Sasuke's attention—it twanged through his wire and Naruto fell gracelessly to the ground.

"Sorry it took us so long to find you, Hokage-sama. We were helping an old lady cross the street and—"

"Save it," Naruto and Sasuke sang in chorus as Kakashi and Yamato stepped out of the brush.

Sasuke suddenly felt a tug on his hair as two hands gripped him tightly. "Oh, Sasuke-kun! You're alive!" Sakura pulled him closer, clasping at him as if he couldn't get close enough for her liking. "I thought I'd lost you! Oh, god, Sasuke. I don't know what I'd do without you." She relaxed her hold and rubbed her cheek against his. "Please don't ever leave me," she whispered into his ear.

Chills ran across his whole body and suddenly he forgot there was another person in the universe. He held her head in his hand, moving away to look in her eyes.

"Sakura."

Their eyes locked and he knew, even though it pained him to say it, the moron was right. He wanted her, he needed her—he swallowed hard—he _loved_ her. He brushed his lips against hers and his chest felt ready to burst as he watched her eyes float shut in anticipation. He wouldn't make her wait any longer. He gently pressed his lips to hers as his own eyes slid shut. He'd never felt anything like this before—he felt lighter than air and he gripped Sakura's waist like she was a lifeline. He moved his mouth and pressed it harder against hers and she hummed against his lips—his whole body tingled with the vibration.

Sasuke cracked his eyes open just a bit as he heard Kakashi say, "Come on, Cupid. You've got another job to do." As Yamato dragged Naruto back to Suna by the collar, he heard the idiot yell through the woods.

"Happy Valentine's Day, you guys!"

Laying Sakura down on his bed roll, Sasuke thought he might just thank Naruto when they got back home…but the name Uchiha Naruto was never gonna happen.

The End

…or beginning


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